Bright Sunshine

Life has so many twists and turns. A maze of impenetrable hedges that are at times easy to step through. Moves backwards are suddenly revealed as moves forward. Changes. Surprises.

I realise every moment is full of intense energy that only I can turn into happiness or despair.

A scary thought. An epiphany. So difficult to reach it is hidden behind doors and riddles. It is day-glo orange neon fifty feet high.

Yes. I discovered the key to my own happiness lies within my own hands. My own blood, bones, sinew, flesh, mind, spirit.

When my personal life became so murky it moved like sticky mud, like hungry quicksand that I could not see beyond what was in my own head, I began drowning in confusion and anxiety and I could not seem to stop that slow, inexorable spiral downwards. Self-blame, harshest of enemies, slashed deep, drawing dark blood.

Someone became focus in my mind. Someone other than me. This is because it's what I know. This is because it's easier than focusing on me. This is because how it's always been. Without that focus, I am nothing. Insignificant. Who will look at me unless I am defined by another? Unless I am told I am happy by another? That I am sad?

I have been finding my way from cage to cage, each one a little less constricting, a little more open, a step closer to that wondrous freedom I can smell. Within the confines of the relationship I had and thought I wanted again - even on the level of friendship, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes and stepped into that abyss.

For a moment I floundered. I was free-falling. And then I caught ground. I was in a new place. Alice through the looking glass. Stepped into Narnia. Displaced person. But alive. Strong. Heart beating. Breath in and out.

I moved so careful, King Kong within, Frankenstein afraid and uncertain of what I could and could not do. I moved so very careful within boundaries and thought I was doing well. I thought, even though I was as a new creature to this world, I was actually doing what is normal and what would cultivate respect and understanding.

I was wrong. Not in what I did. But in expecting certain results. And with the realisation that someone treated me badly, without respect. Like they would a fly that lands on their table, flicking me aside without thought, with only half a dramatic script that was played out on his side only, I realised I did nothing wrong.

That realisation, along with the discovery the only one who can make me happy is me, was freeing.

I know I am not yet clear. I am still making my way along that path. But I have stepped forward. Found an easy section of path where wild flowers grow and fill the air with their sweetness and butterflies dance with magic and that evocative 'what if'. This realisation, this freedom, had made me realise I am in charge. My own destiny lies in my hands. So heady. So freeing.

Excitement burns through my veins.

So yes, I was smacked in the face by someone I loved, cared for, have only the best intentions for...and even now I cannot fathom the reasons behind his rejection of my friendship when that was all I thought was unequivocally on the offering.

For a moment I fell down, that mud and quicksand sucking at my feet, for how could someone who claimed they no longer had feelings for me also reject my friendship I thought he'd taken; withdraw the friendship I thought he'd offered me? That old enemy within started whispering dark words into my ear.

There's something wrong with you. He has discovered your hideousness. You are flawed and there is no hope...

And then I just didn't want to listen anymore. Because I knew I had done nothing wrong. Perhaps for one of the first times in my life. I had given it my all and even though I am like King Kong and Frankenstein's poor monster (so lost, so unsure of what I am meant to do), I had acted with decorum and dignity and compassion. I had offered forth nothing more than compassion and friendship and my heart in that most fundamental way: love of one human for another. I realised if he didn't want me, I had only offered him me, my friendship, whatever he wanted to take. All the wonder and uniqueness of me. I am so much more than he will ever know. It makes me sad to be rejected because I still feel that deep connection; not of love; of friendship (and that is still love at its most sweetest, most base). It makes me sad to see someone so scared when there are no demons lurking.

But I have emerged excited in my discoveries. In all the possibilities that lie within me. I am beautiful within, I am beginning to see it. I know too many wonderful people not to know that must be true. I am smart and interesting and talented and amazing.

If happiness lies within my hands. I can be whatever I want to be.

I think I know what I want to be.

I am very excited and happy to be with me. On my own terms.