14. Cage
With each new discovery about my past, and what affect it has had on me; is still having on me, I realise that for most of my life I have lived in a cage.
A cage where I cannot bring myself to reach out to those I truly care about. A cage where the walls are soft but strong and all encompassing. Dark and reflective of the thoughts in my head, the dreams that swim within. For the longest time no way of seeing beyond and into reality, into the rest of the world outside.
The slow emergence from that cage has been fraught with mishaps, back-steps, stumbles. The first real glimpse of the rest of the world with me in it was my first session of therapy.
Discovering who I am, and why I am is not an easy process. It is like shedding my skin in public. It is like being a wild creature who knows nothing of how to simply be like all the others around her.
So frustrating to find I still don't know the correct way to act and be at times. So frustrating to find I tilt too much in one direction emotionally when I feel something, or perceive something is happening.
The progress down the path is always hampered by the realisation; that flat, hard, cold slap in the face; that the hurdle you cleared is only the first of many more ahead. Some seem so high I almost despair at the attempt.
But attempt I must.
I still reside in a cage at times. This one is made of glass and I can see what I want, what I need, I can see me just beyond the other side and I cannot touch, cannot quite work out the latch to reach what I must.
The sadness inside is overwhelming. The realisation that one thing in my childhood, a boundary violation, has messed me up greatly. The thoughts and memories of how that has affected me, how I have let countless others violate intimate boundaries because that subconscious lesson has always lurked there in the shadows, strong and so much a part of me I never questioned anything and now I see it for what it really is: wrong, misleading. It needs to go.
The despair over such a thing is like a flood. I drown in memories of what I have done, let others done; drown in shame, self-loathing, bitterness and hopelessness. Hopelessness that this will never end. I will never find a way out of this glass cage. I will never be one of the real people out there. The ones that function normally. Have all that I want but can't quite work out how to get it.
Deep breaths. I draw them down to my toes. Let the oxygen cleanse the old ways from my blood. Knowledge is power. Knowledge is painful, but it means I can know what's happening then implement changes. By simply being aware of one thing, so much is open to me to the realisation it is wrong. But wrong can be changed. And I know the change is already happening.
Simply by being aware of something I always let happen, and knowing the reason why, means I now have the power to prevent it ever happening again. I know I can do that.
This was an important hurdle; one of the biggest so far and I have cleared it.
The journey is still continuing.
A cage where I cannot bring myself to reach out to those I truly care about. A cage where the walls are soft but strong and all encompassing. Dark and reflective of the thoughts in my head, the dreams that swim within. For the longest time no way of seeing beyond and into reality, into the rest of the world outside.
The slow emergence from that cage has been fraught with mishaps, back-steps, stumbles. The first real glimpse of the rest of the world with me in it was my first session of therapy.
Discovering who I am, and why I am is not an easy process. It is like shedding my skin in public. It is like being a wild creature who knows nothing of how to simply be like all the others around her.
So frustrating to find I still don't know the correct way to act and be at times. So frustrating to find I tilt too much in one direction emotionally when I feel something, or perceive something is happening.
The progress down the path is always hampered by the realisation; that flat, hard, cold slap in the face; that the hurdle you cleared is only the first of many more ahead. Some seem so high I almost despair at the attempt.
But attempt I must.
I still reside in a cage at times. This one is made of glass and I can see what I want, what I need, I can see me just beyond the other side and I cannot touch, cannot quite work out the latch to reach what I must.
The sadness inside is overwhelming. The realisation that one thing in my childhood, a boundary violation, has messed me up greatly. The thoughts and memories of how that has affected me, how I have let countless others violate intimate boundaries because that subconscious lesson has always lurked there in the shadows, strong and so much a part of me I never questioned anything and now I see it for what it really is: wrong, misleading. It needs to go.
The despair over such a thing is like a flood. I drown in memories of what I have done, let others done; drown in shame, self-loathing, bitterness and hopelessness. Hopelessness that this will never end. I will never find a way out of this glass cage. I will never be one of the real people out there. The ones that function normally. Have all that I want but can't quite work out how to get it.
Deep breaths. I draw them down to my toes. Let the oxygen cleanse the old ways from my blood. Knowledge is power. Knowledge is painful, but it means I can know what's happening then implement changes. By simply being aware of one thing, so much is open to me to the realisation it is wrong. But wrong can be changed. And I know the change is already happening.
Simply by being aware of something I always let happen, and knowing the reason why, means I now have the power to prevent it ever happening again. I know I can do that.
This was an important hurdle; one of the biggest so far and I have cleared it.
The journey is still continuing.
posted by a girl at 11:36 AM
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