7. Proof Positive

Things are not all darkness and despair. I have been deliberately focusing on the negative simply because that's the only way I know how to fix it. Identify and then destroy or change...

But there were things that helped me through. Yes, there were great things about my childhood.

The main one being my sister. She is my ally, my partner in crime. We grew extremely close because of life in that house. No amount of splitting or bad talk on my mother's part could change that - not even her bizarre thought that we were incestuous lesbians. Together, we could laugh at anything, find humour in even the most dire of situations. We learned the art of comfort and solidarity against the odds. From each other, we learned love. She is the only one that saw mum for who she really was and still is. Even now, she is still the only one (other than my therapist) who truly understands where I am coming from.

I received my rich and fertile imagination from escaping into my head when things got bad; it saved me so many times. It got me through. That imagination is now the well to all my creativity.

I am strong, far stronger than the darkness within would like to give credit for. I am able to deal with almost anything that comes my way. If, as a child, I could deal with such horrific circumstances, then now, as an adult, I can deal with whatever happens. Nothing can ever be as bad as being a child in that household. Though I have made many bad relationship choices, right up to the second last one, I have survived them all, I have learned and grown from each. I keep gaining strength. Every now and then I have to remind myself of the great reserves of strength I have within. But it is there.

I have keen perception and intuition from having to pick the signs of another rage from the monster.

And now, I am growing, spreading my wings. I have never enjoyed being on my own before. I never learned how, never got the opportunity. But now, since therapy, I have been keeping to myself, not venturing out to drink and meet friends. Not drinking at home, just spending time with myself and learning about me. I actually like it. I never gave myself the time to do that, but it's not so bad - actually, it's rather good. I'm intrigued and interested in all I'm learning.

I am writing all the time.

I am coming to terms with me and beginning to understand why I act the way I do at certain times. By understanding, I can learn to control, learn the signs, learn new ways that are acceptable to my new standards.

And though I am hesitant to say, because I am so not used to the focus being on me, but I am most pleased. I like this. I like being with me, I like discovering the child I was in all facets and the person I have been and the one I am becoming.

I think I am going to be most interesting.