6. Seemingly Irrational; Unseemingly Rational...

To those who didn't grow up in a household tormented by borderline personality disorder, having a relationship with a child of that home can at times, I think, be a strange and vexing thing.

Not all children react in the same way, but for those who haven't known how to deal, or are only now trying to deal as supposedly fully functional adults, there are many similarities.

To the other person, we may seem irrational. Mood swings, bursts of anger that seem to come from nowhere or over something trivial, blame when you don't deserve it, troubles with intimacy, hypersensitivity to play or teasing, self-deprecation, trouble with compliments, distrust, attempts at emotional manipulation, fear of being alone, jealousy of you spending time with others, a need to know everything, suspicion...

All this and you never guessed. The person seemed so together, so cool, so confident and amazing.

And then... irrational behaviour...

This is so for me. Sometimes all of the above, sometimes a little. In the past I never had the self-awareness to see what was happening, the poison well within the behaviours came from. I'm still working it out.

But day by day I see more and more. The fog is lifting, the air is cold and crisp and sometimes I can see almost forever. The trick is accepting all. Some I despise, I want to fling it into the raging river of denial. To do that would be to slide down to the beginning. I don't want to be there again. Some I am so ashamed of I want to cry.

This stuff will always be a part of me to a degree. But I can teach myself new tricks, new attitudes, new rules.

The child within is eager to cast off the constraints that have held her back for far too long. It is too late for another childhood, but I can learn to play again. I can learn to be free.

Already I have learned so much. My friend, Mr Alcohol is not so much a casual buddy but my security blanket. One I no longer need. We children of the borderline personality disorder household often have such a friend. For me, it helped to ease the way into myself fully. Alcohol became the excuse, the reason I could be loud, funny, silly, have fun. If the reprimands came, if the abuse came, then not only was there a scapegoat in the form of liquid escape, but it was also a way to numb out the memories, the emotions, the pain and anger and sadness I did not want to ever feel again.

Thing is, those emotions, those memories do not go away. They lurk until the mind is fresh and untainted once more. They pounce. The claws are sharp and hooked. They do not ever let go. Not that way.

I have implemented a rule with Mr Alcohol: if I need the drink I do not have it. I ride the wave of emotion, no matter how painful, how unbearable, how crushing it is. I give myself days without alcohol. I allow myself one night a week to drink more than three drinks. But again; if I need it, I keep away. For two and a half weeks now this is my new life. I really like it.

It is so much easier than I could ever have thought. I have made so much progress. The clarity brings tears to my eyes. This is what I have learned...

Irrational Behaviour: turning on someone, being mean, uncontrollable temper tantrum for seemingly no reason.
What's going on: so many years of learned repression of emotions, particularly anger and rage are there inside. The pressure cooker sometimes explodes and the person can't control it. Like a switch inside the head, you lose control and lash out.
What's going on: It's also sometimes a self-protective thing. Lash out before they can hurt you. This is an innate reaction. So ingrained the person usually doesn't realise what's happening, only that it is.
What's going on: It's also a reaction to being overwhelmed by so many emotions from now and the past. This past is something that is always with a child from a borderline household. It doesn't ever go away unless it is dealt with and even then...it will be there. Just not so volitile.
What's going on: Stressed by a situation, something sets of a memory, often subconscious, and this is set off and the memories and emotions rush up and the explosion happens.
What's going on: Behaviours learned at home as a child are perceived as normal. Even though the brain knows they're not, it's very difficult to retrain the emotions.

Irrational Behaviour: One moment hot, one moment cold; one moment sweet, one moment upset. We're talking mood swings...
What's going on: bottling up emotions play such a big part. It's sometimes so hard to tell what is what. Sometimes it's hard to tell what you're feeling at all.
What's going on: a childhood of repression and being told you can't feel that, or denial of whatever emotions you're feeling can make you very unsure as an adult. Sometimes you distance yourself from your emotions to cope and now it's hard to reconnect in a way that is functional all the time.
What's going on: not trusting your own feelings. After all, look what happened when you were a child?

Irrational Behaviour: Being blamed for something that's not your fault.
What's going on: a learned response. The parent with the BPD always projected any blame on the children, or whomever was nearby. This is almost like second nature. Though once aware of this, you try hard not to do it. Sometimes, though, you slip up.
What's going on: unable to handle the rush of emotion, you lash out and blame.

Irrational Behaviour: hypersensitivity to play or teasing.
What's going on: as a child, you were hurt by supposed teasing. You got into major trouble for playing and learned that it was something to be either ashamed of or guilty about.
What's going on: because of home-life, it's difficult to let yourself go as an adult and enjoy something as silly and frivolous as this.
What's going on: because of what happened as a child, you are continually waiting for something bad to happen, trouble to start, things to turn dark and you can't enjoy it. You react as if you were a child and the experience is not fun.

Irrational Behaviour: you're getting along well, growing close but then there's trouble with intimacy. Touching, emotional closeness.
What's going on: love at home was conditional and erratic. Fear of the same. Waiting for the same to happen. Waiting for the other person to turn. Irrational but understandable if you grew up in a house with a BPD parent.
What's going on: touching at home was often forced when you didn't want to be loving because of anger or abuse. You had to do what the parent wanted, regardless of your own feelings. These things are very deeply ingrained.
What's going on: sudden fear that you will be rejected. If it happened with a parent, it can happen with anyone.

Irrational Behaviour: low self-esteem, self-deprecation, self-loathing, trouble accepting compliments in someone who seems together and confident.
What's going on: years of being told you are bad, worthless, terrible, horrible and the like are at work within.
What's going on: being able to love yourself wasn't an option while growing up and compliments often came with trouble.

Irrational Behaviour: Distrust.
What's going on: no matter how wonderful or supportive you are, no matter that you've done nothing to earn distrust, years of conditioning of being betrayed emotionally have had its toll. It's almost impossible not to distrust. It's safer, because betrayal happened most of your life.
What's going on: bad choices based on childhood experiences have reinforced the whole distrust issue. It's what you know.

Irrational Behaviour: Attempts at emotional manipulation from someone who doesn't seem manipulative.
What's going on: this is a learned response from having someone do this your entire life.
What's going on: it's completely subconscious.

Irrational Behaviour: Fear of being alone.
What's going on: This comes from never been able to be alone as a child.
What's going on: As a child, you learned being alone was a terrible thing. You were worth nothing being alone.
What's going on: You have never learned how to be alone and it's a disconcerting and frightening concept.

Irrational Behaviour: Jealousy of you spending time with other people
What's going on: this is how the BPD parent acted and what the child learned as normal. It's a difficult thing to get out of when your body is pumping suppressed feelings through your veins.
What's going on: through learned behaviours at home, you think everything is going to go against you in the long run.

Irrational Behaviour: Need to know everything and suspicion.
What's going on: the parent needed to know everything and was suspicious if she didn't. Ingrained behaviours are hard to dismiss.

This is a start for me. As I begin to understand where these things come from, then I can begin to disable them.

I know I am starting slow, but at least I'm starting.