4. The Child Within
The child within is a frightened, beaten thing. Not destroyed. Too strong to let my mother's monster do that. But still...
The child within knows certain things. These things are ingrained so deep they seem to be a part of me. They are twined with my bones.
The child within knows not to speak her mind. If she speaks her mind, there will be hell to pay. If she speaks her mind, she will be verbally abused, she will be belittled, torn apart, made to feel she is the worst child on the planet.
The child within knows to keep anger down deep where it can't escape. She knows because when it has escaped in the dark past, where there was only abuse and more anger from the monster within the mother. Hours, days of tears, regret and being taught what a bad, bad child she was for riling up the monster.
The child within thinks she is always too fat, there is something wrong. She thinks this because the monster put her and her sister on a diet when they were young, around ten or so, and they weren't obese, not even fat, but still, something had to be wrong, didn't it? She thinks this because the monster used to weigh them daily.
The child within knows love is conditional. She knows this because the monster would give and take love and affection whenever she wanted. And when it was gone, the child within knew she had done something bad to deserve it. The child within has learned love will always let her down.
The child within knows she can't trust her own instincts. How can she when the monster tells her she is constantly wrong, that she doesn't know what she's saying, that the events she's remembered are wrong.
The child within knows others must always come first because the monster was the only one with valid feelings. And if the monster was upset, then the child within had to comfort and fix the monster so there was only peace in the home.
The child within knows that responsibility for everything bad that happens sits heavily on her shoulders.
The child within knows being alone means no one wants to be with her. She knows she is then unworthy and unwanted. She knows being alone is something to fear.
The child within knows not to trust others close to her. Because she will always get hurt and be betrayed if she lets anyone in. She knows because of all the people in the universe who should never have hurt her, hurt her. That monster within the mother betrayed her. If her mother can do that, then so will everyone else...
The child within knows she is a bad person. The monster told her this too many times to ignore it.
The child within knows she is undeserving of love because the monster has told her how nasty, horrible, selfish, evil she is.
The child within knows she is a burden on everyone that has ever professed to love her.
The child within knows it's always her fault. Because that's how it's always been and a parent never lies...
But the child within is slowly reaching out. And by understanding these fundamental quasi-truths, can I understand why I am like I am now. And then I can begin to relearn the right way.
It is beginning already.
The child within knows certain things. These things are ingrained so deep they seem to be a part of me. They are twined with my bones.
The child within knows not to speak her mind. If she speaks her mind, there will be hell to pay. If she speaks her mind, she will be verbally abused, she will be belittled, torn apart, made to feel she is the worst child on the planet.
The child within knows to keep anger down deep where it can't escape. She knows because when it has escaped in the dark past, where there was only abuse and more anger from the monster within the mother. Hours, days of tears, regret and being taught what a bad, bad child she was for riling up the monster.
The child within thinks she is always too fat, there is something wrong. She thinks this because the monster put her and her sister on a diet when they were young, around ten or so, and they weren't obese, not even fat, but still, something had to be wrong, didn't it? She thinks this because the monster used to weigh them daily.
The child within knows love is conditional. She knows this because the monster would give and take love and affection whenever she wanted. And when it was gone, the child within knew she had done something bad to deserve it. The child within has learned love will always let her down.
The child within knows she can't trust her own instincts. How can she when the monster tells her she is constantly wrong, that she doesn't know what she's saying, that the events she's remembered are wrong.
The child within knows others must always come first because the monster was the only one with valid feelings. And if the monster was upset, then the child within had to comfort and fix the monster so there was only peace in the home.
The child within knows that responsibility for everything bad that happens sits heavily on her shoulders.
The child within knows being alone means no one wants to be with her. She knows she is then unworthy and unwanted. She knows being alone is something to fear.
The child within knows not to trust others close to her. Because she will always get hurt and be betrayed if she lets anyone in. She knows because of all the people in the universe who should never have hurt her, hurt her. That monster within the mother betrayed her. If her mother can do that, then so will everyone else...
The child within knows she is a bad person. The monster told her this too many times to ignore it.
The child within knows she is undeserving of love because the monster has told her how nasty, horrible, selfish, evil she is.
The child within knows she is a burden on everyone that has ever professed to love her.
The child within knows it's always her fault. Because that's how it's always been and a parent never lies...
But the child within is slowly reaching out. And by understanding these fundamental quasi-truths, can I understand why I am like I am now. And then I can begin to relearn the right way.
It is beginning already.
posted by a girl at 11:22 PM
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