11. A Word Is All It Ever Takes...

So strange the way it pans out.

I've been in a good place, but also bad. You think the power someone has is diminished but then...boom. You're in shards on the floor.

I am not talking about romance or broken hearts here. For me this is something more powerful. That might sound strange, but I am different. The truth and my own real self are hidden behind myriad shifting veils; some so gossamer light I can almost see through to the other side; others heavy like lead and all I know of the other side are the brief glimpses of clarity that if I do not hang on I lose them like sand. I am working hard to pull down all those veils so everything is exposed and there for me to see and understand. Romance and broken hearts are smoke, adding to the confusion. They must lie discarded for now, no matter how hard it is. Not for long, just for now.

I am still talking about the support and honesty and encouragement I have received, both from my friends and clients and strangers. This is something that has confounded me the past week, had me in turmoil. I keep going back and back to it, to make sure I take it in completely.

At first I wanted to cry. Those words were unexpected. No one thought I was crazy or strange. They understood. They understood. I felt touched, open, exposed, vulnerable.

And suddenly I was in pieces. A tidal wave of emotions so strong, so confusing, consumed me and left me there, lost and so alone.

That's why the romance and broken heart needs to be discarded. Rather than focus and deal with what I was experiencing, I reverted to my age old trick of self-protection and focused outward, on to my lost love. This in no way diminishes my feelings for him, but obsessing over someone instead of focusing on myself no longer works. I'm too aware, moved too far down that path to let myself slide comfortably back into those old, familiar, safe waters.

So I choose not to think about him and how I feel and all I did wrong (yes, hard as it is to accept, I know it always takes two, that he must have been at fault, too). Instead, I force myself to look at me. I shy away. Like I shy away from those who are good to me, who have always looked at me and really seen me, really listened to me, really asked me valid questions about myself and well being. The others are much easier to deal with, just like it's easier to project all outwards, like onto a screen.

But I am now becoming more discerning. As hard as it is, I want to surround myself with those who are good for me, with those who respect my boundaries as I discover and erect them, with those who will not put up with bullshit and me overstepping their boundaries. I want to enrich myself as I bring myself out of its hiding place.

I don't need to hide anymore. I know I can be vulnerable and safe at the same time. It's a difficult concept for me to take in, but I know it, I understand it.

My heart is beginning slowly to believe.